?????

You know, I'd like to be able to put in an interesting post that others could read and say "Wow, I really like where she's coming from and how she thinks" but I sometimes don't feel I really have anything to say that would be of much interest to anyone else. I go through the turmoil known as life like everyone else without so much as a how to do from many and hope that somewhere along the way someone will take an interest in my ramblings. I don't know - I'm estranged from my siblings, and my mother, their choice, not mine, so I don't know if it's me, or I'm just the odd duck in the bunch; the "sane" one. Could it be that having grown up in a setting of self destruction that I don't know when I've encountered someone that is actually a positive influence? Would I know a good thing if it bit me on the ass, so to speak? Do any of you relate to my preconceived notions of worthlessness? I don't even know if I could actually handle someone answering any of these questions because, based on my past, I don't know that I could trust anyone.
Does any of this make sense? When would I know if it did?

I'm Getting There

Having been awhile since I've blogged, I'm not very good at this yet so please bear with me. I do sometimes find it difficult to open up even in an anonymous world as Blogsville. I feel I've worked on alot of personal stuff over the years and I've actually come along way, but, like everyone else, I still have issues. One of my main issues is trust. Having grown up in a household that I was constantly told that I was stupid and that my hair looked like drapes in a funeral parlor, I didn't have alot of self-confidence. I'm much more confident these days, but those ghosts still haunt me from time to time (and not in a good haunting way like a ghost from centuries past). I'm okay with the way I look, and I feel I'm fairly intelligent (apparently my IQ is 125, although some people say not to read too much into that), and I have a generous, kind spirit, for the most part (those that know me, feel free to correct me - really!), so getting to know me wouldn't be the worst thing in the world that anyone could do.
I look forward to getting to know some of you fellow bloggers as well.

Happy Blogging!

We're All Human, Imperfect, But Still, Human

After reading a blog that was recommended to me, it got me thinking about a few things that I haven't thought about for almost a year now.
This person's dad presently has cancer and has had surgery as well; got me thinking about my mom. This person seems to be confused as to what they are feeling and I can totally relate to the frustration and helplessness that they may be feeling. I used to be more afraid of what I wouldn't feel as opposed to what I would feel at my mom's funeral. There might be the expected tears with emotions running high, but what if there wasn't any of that? Would that make me a bad person? A person with very limited emotional expression?
No, I don't think so. I've come to accept my mom for who she is (as distant as she is from me emotionally) and as long as I know in my heart that I have done all that I can to strengthen our relationship, I don't feel that I should expect any more from myself. How much more can one do than their best? We are all human beings with imperfections and socially frowned upon faults but I strongly believe that each one of us is here for a reason. We might not see why for many years or maybe never at all, but we all have the capacity to love, share and teach and none of those attributes should ever be kept under wraps. As humans we need each other. And even though we are the ones that have made up the "rules", what we feel, we feel, and that's never wrong.
So, this person whose blog I recently read, I hope that you get a chance to read this - please let me know if any of it helps, okay? (I tried to enter a comment on your blog, but it wouldn't let me.)
Peace and tranquility to all.